Dating in a demographic deficit

The guys on Hinge think they just want me to be myself. They should be careful what they wish for

What fresh hell is this?

At 7.30 this morning, eyes bleary, I opened the Hinge app on my phone. 

There was no active reason for me to put myself through this before my first cup of tea. No little red dot on the screen to tell me that Jim from Bathgate had sent me a rose. (If only.) No real belief that today would be better than any of the other days of middle aged men with mountain bikes and golf clubs in lieu of a personality.

By 7.31am my pessimism was confirmed.

Internet dating is horrendous. It’s grim and transactional at any age but, on the downhill slope to 60, it’s particularly monstrous. 

Where, I once asked a friend, is the male equivalent of me? Her gaze swept over my wood burning stove, bay windows, retinol-ed skin and yoga-ed arms. 

“They are at home with their husbands.”

This is the first factor in the demographic deficit facing me and so many other women who find themselves facing the third act of their lives alone. 

If we spot a man with well-cut hair and trousers, decent teeth and shoes, who smells of vetiver, his equally well put-together male partner is probably in the cheese shop buying the Ossau-Iraty for that night’s dinner party.

I’ve started thinking about this like an epidemiologist. (Look, the nights are drawing in and there is only so much yoga any one person can do.)

Shockingly, in the 50-60 age group in Scotland, women’s longevity is already clearly visible. Shout out to my fellow 59-year-olds, all 41,972 of us, compared to 39,326 men. The difference is between 2-4000 in every year group.

Into these already skewed figures, we can take out the men who prefer Arthur to Martha (that’s 3.8% of the population according to ONS) and those who like ladies but are already married or partnered up. 

Statistics on this are harder to find but around half of the population seems to be in a committed relationship. One in ten is divorced, 6% widowed. But these numbers are based on everyone over 16. Marriages hit peak breaking point when couples are in their 40s, then thins out. Presumably because most of the fragile unions are already defunct.

So there are some lonely bachelors of an appropriate age out there. But what are they like? Around 30% of the 50-64 age group have a university degree. (These figures are for England and Wales but sound roughly accurate for Scotland.)

I know this is a blunt instrument and that there are plenty of idiots out there with letters after their names but I would prefer to go on a date with someone who has read a book and had an idea at some point. A degree suggests that this is at least a possibility.

(If you want to disagree about this in a charming and flirtatious way, including links to your Goodreads and critical theory Substack, slide into my DMs.)

What other factors are preventing me from finding a presentable man of an appropriate age who might like to go see a non-Marvel film with me? Are, as a certain type of man suggests when women of my age complain about being single, my standards too high?

The dating gurus of TikTok are big on the 666 thing. And while a 6-footer with a six figure income and a six pack sounds great, I live in the west of Scotland where stunted wee fellas earn a median salary of £33,332. The average height, according to this historic Daily Mail article, is 5’8”. 

As for the six pack, the 2022 Scottish Health Survey has this to cheer us all up. “Around two-thirds of all adults were living with overweight, including obesity, with a higher prevalence in men (70%) compared with women (63%).”

I am well aware that, approaching 60, the probability of a 666 is lower than Johnny Cash’s voice. If you learn one thing dating in your late 50s, it’s how to manage your expectations.

Men are also aware of some of their own shortcomings.

Most profiles are highlights reels in the social media style, when that one-off jet ski ride becomes the profile picture. And that’s just the start of it.

Sport as a personality

One (1) picture at a major tournament is acceptable. Supporting a football team or going to Murrayfield to watch Scotland is fine as long as it’s not the only thing you do. If all your pictures are taken outside a stadium and it’s not Taylor Swift night, I will assume you have Sky Sports instead of an imagination.

Sunday roasts

According to Hinge, men across Scotland are spending Sunday basting sides of meat and making gravy. I beg to disagree.

Dogs

I get it, you’re lonely. You’ve got a dog. You love your dog. Please take photos of something else.

That don’t impress me much

Sports cars, watches and camper vans are great when you need to get somewhere quickly, tell the time or make a cup of tea at the seaside. Huge close ups of them on your dating profile suggest that you are hiding behind shiny things. 

And side point - you can’t have this both ways. If you try to dazzle women with your flashy wheels or timepiece, do not dare complain about “gold diggers”. 

Just be yourself

So many men on dating apps plead with us just to be ourselves. They also request we do not rely on filtered photographs. But that we do include full-length shots. 

Now Hinge is not the best place to deconstruct the patriarchy but I don’t think Jim from Bathgate means that I should abandon HRT, Beauty Pie, Barty my threading lady and let nature take its course. There are very good reasons why women use filters and don’t post bikini pics and they usually boil down to decades of being told that ourselves are just not good enough.

As not seen on over-50s Hinge

Kilt pictures

Unless you are one of the guys from the yoga calendar, men should think long and hard before using these.

Terrible holiday pictures

Not even George Clooney would look good sunburned in a polyester football strip behind a pint of lager and plate of chips.

Comedy pictures

Just don’t.

Memes

See comedy pictures. But even more so. If someone loves a meme enough to put it on his dating profile, imagine what his WhatsApp messages will be like.

Smut

This does not work on a dating app. Even the most coded reference to squelchy stuff is repellent. Everyone on there is, by definition, lonely and horny. You don’t need to advertise that your love language is sensual touch. Especially through the medium of emojis.

Emojis

Adults should, in my opinion, communicate using words. Not tiny pictures of monkeys covering their eyes. Lol also falls into this category. It is not charming. 

Job at Yes I Have One

There is a lot of defensive behaviour on dating apps, as cagey men refuse to reveal what they do for a living. Unless you are a hedge fund manager working in fossil fuels and armaments, is it really that bad? It feels a bit Andrew Tate-ish, divorced civil servants anxious to protect their pensions from the financially astute women they suspect are stalking these apps, desperate to get a half-share of their newbuilds in Bearsden. Vague is acceptable. Prickly is unattractive.

No psychos

Everyone who finds themselves on a dating app in their 50s is damaged to some extent. But advertising no drama, no psychos or any other coded term for disliking women with boundaries is a terrible look. Remember who you are dealing with here. We are post menopausal women who have probably brought up children and got over at least one disappointing relationship.

You say psycho. We say someone who is not prepared to settle or put up with your nonsense.