Moaning about trains and buses is so predictably British that I could go for coffee and let Chat GPT write this for me. It’s now so bad that doing anything outwith peak commuting hours is a game of timetable roulette. John Knox has taken over our public transport system to prevent us all from having fun.
Everyone who has crossed the country by train recently has a horror story to tell. Weekends are the worst. My Saturday night tale of woe is not unusual but it was extremely unpleasant, sitting on the floor of first class surrounded by tattooed legs and bags of cans.
Around me younger people sprawled over tables, drinking, eating fried things, drunkenly making the same point over and over and over again.
There was a seat from Falkirk onwards, which was a relief. But then, at Queen Street, I had a 38 minute wait for a connecting train. No one wants to sit at that draughty low level platform on their own for half an hour late on Saturday night.
So I got the bus, which whizzed me there in 20 minutes. Yes, it was good to be home. But I had already bought a return train ticket (£15.35 with a 50+ railcard, which cost £20 itself).
Why a return? Because it’s 45p cheaper than the single and ScotRail brings out my petty like nothing else.
So, having spent £15.35 to sit on a shoogly floor for half an hour, I then had to pay an extra £2.85 for the bus because I wanted to get home before midnight. Which I managed, just.
Then I had to do it all in reverse the next day, including buying another £15.35 ticket.
I can -grudgingly - afford the fares and can even heave my old bones onto the floor for half an hour if absolutely necessary. But why should it be so unpleasant and expensive and exhausting to get to and from the biggest arts festival in the world?
Edinburgh in August hosts the International Festival, the Fringe, the Book Festival, the Film Festival, the Art Festival, Fringe by the Sea, probably some others that I’ve forgotten abou. They all have their own spin-offs and fringe events. Brian Ferguson of The Scotsman describes it as the cultural equivalent of the Olympic Games and it is.
But the fact it’s held every year, despite horrendous road works, untenable accommodation prices, bin strikes and major venues being closed creates the impression that it happens by magic and does not need infrastructure to hold it in place.
This is a nonsense and the infrastructure that supports it is creaking to the point of collapse.
Unlike one-off events - golf tournaments for example - ScotRail seems to put little thought or energy into making sure people can get to and from the capital and see stuff and enjoy themselves. Train pain has become one of the major topics of conversation.
This is one of the reasons I didn’t move to London in the 1980s. I could not bear going to parties where all everyone talked about was how they were getting home. I did not expect to be reliving this in Scotland 40 years later.
And that’s just trying to get across the country. Want to go north and then get home again? Hahahahahahaha. I thought I could go to a party in Dundee on a Friday night then get back to the central belt. More fool me.
Within Edinburgh, I have discovered a whole new barrier to getting to where I want to go. The giant iPads at bus stops. These look very impressive and efficient, with their a rolling list of buses - the number, the destination, when they are due.
Make that “due”.
Scuttling along the bottom of the screen is the small print. These details are based on the timetable. They bear no resemblance to the reality of bus movements. This means that, as the clock ticks by and the promised number 3 fails to materialise, it simply disappears from the screen. No suggestion of when it might actually arrive, or when another 3 might take its place.
They might as well put it this information on the side of a bus rather than on a display at the stop.
But these airport-style boards look slick and impressive. They certainly fooled me because Edinburgh’s bus service is generally pretty good, efficient and modern with useful information screens inside the vehicles to save the driver from having to tell tourists they are at the Mound every single time.
These screens, however, are the opposite of helpful. They give us innocents the impression that there will be a number three along in four minutes. Four busless minutes pass, then the mythical number three melts into the ether, leaving me standing at the bus stop going wtf. Surrounded by bemused tourists, also saying wtf but in Portuguese or Mandarin.
It’s like waiting for a bus to Brigadoon.
I have learned the error of my ways and now use the Lothian Buses and Edinburgh Trams app, which uses GPS and is a few degrees closer to reality. And, belt and braces, I allow at least 45 minutes to get anywhere.
Has all this grief been worth it? Thanks for asking, I have seen some amazing work, had the odd greet and done some very unladylike laughing. That’s why public transport matters. Everyone should get to experience a bit of this without having to sit on the floor of the train home.
Waverley station Sunday night. All the screens blank. Every one of them. Terrified would-be passengers clustering round the (very helpful) ScotRail team, demanding information. Yes, the 10pm last train west will run. No it will not be on time, due to ned activity. No, the ned activity has nothing to do with the blank screens.
Any other trains? Yes, the LNER is also late, so you can all get on that one, it’ll be here in 10 minutes or so. No, your ScotRail tickets are not valid on that service. ScotRail hasn’t cancelled your train so tickets wont be accepted by other operators. Accept the extra cost, get on the LNER. Arrive at Glasgow Central, also a locus of ned activity. Quick check - the ScotRail train is still at Waverley. No subway home, it’s a Sunday. Accept the extra taxi cost. Neds at taxi rank. Visit Scotland.
The Edinburgh new bus screen scandal is unbelievable - the software isn’t compatible with the bus GPS. You couldn’t make it up! It’s cost millions. When they first unveiled them they didn’t even have the disclaimer along the bottom telling us the info was timetable only. They are currently as useful as the paper timetables in the shelters!